How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A: large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school? A: To ask for their money back.
I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?
went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds"... I'm wondering is it them or me?...
What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets.
Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
I went to an ATM today, and it asked to borrow a twenty till next week.
This market stinks so bad …that on my drive home yesterday there was a guy at an intersection with a sign that read, “Will manage your money for food”.
This market stinks so bad, that I can finally afford that divorce. She/he will get what I’ve always wanted her/him to get - half of nothing!
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.' The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works.
A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower
altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell
me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must work as financial advisor," says the balloonist.
"Yes I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
Why has astrology been invented? So that stock market technical analysis could be an accurate science.
Value Investing by a stockbroker: The art of buying low and selling lower.
12 months ago if you had bought 1,000 worth of ABC stock you would now have 35. If you had bought 1,000 worth of beer you would now have 41 worth of empty beer cans. Therefore ... Invest in beer!
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
Two stock brokers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two stock brokers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the stock brokers jams something into the other stockbroker's hand. Without looking down, the second stockbroker whispers: "What is this?" The first stockbroker: "It's the $100 I owe you!"
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down close to the interviewer and says "What would you like it to equal?"
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
How to make a million in the stock market?
Start with two!
If investments are keeping you awake at night, sell down to the sleeping point!
Banks will loan you money if you can prove you don't need it.
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
A stockbroker and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The stockbroker said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The stockbroker looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?
The First Law of Investing: The only thing more dangerous than a stockbroker is an amateur stockbroker.
The Second Law of Investing: The only thing more dangerous than an amateur stockbroker is a professional stockbroker!
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
How the Federal Bailout Really Works Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?' Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.'